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I dont want to exist seriously.
"J’ai jamais été calme ou posé. J’ai toujours eu une aversion des gens contents."Je sais pas putain. (via aminahchn)

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"There’s just that one person, you’ll always love no matter how much pain they put you through."(via kimpoyfeliciano)

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Léa Seydoux for Marie Claire Russia, April 2014
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I have came to the realization that many of the women that I like aren’t necessarily being “liked” by me. I’ve realized that yes, many of the women i like are attractive and so forth but its not that i’m “in love” with them. I know its contagious to fall in love with actors on stage musicians as well, but I had to ask myself if it was “love at first sight”. Now i’m not just saying this just because i have a girlfriend who i love and adore but my honest answer is that i feel i confuse my admiration of a person with “love”. Its so rapid for me to fall deep in something that i can reflect on and relate to, but I guess that goes for everyone. Its not odd for a misfit like myself to be astound when confronting a human being who has similar ideas and interests as my own so with that being said, it isn’t love but admiration. Though this sounds really obvious, sometimes deep people like myself need to be reminded of these things so that i’m not losing myself thinking “i’m this, i’m that, i’m this total bisexual craving being!”. Not that that would be wrong assuming there are people like that whom exist but, learning more about yourself is always scary,regardless of what it is. Delving into another path, or rather, door that takes you somewhere you have never been is almost frightening. I’ve gotten past being a reject from everyone and even my family so it shocks me even now that i’m dating a woman. But love is universal, and I want to live my life living by that regardless of who accepts me or not. Never reject someone who loves you. To further my original statement, women I’ve liked such as, Mika Nakashima, Laura Prepon, Kaya Scodelario, and most of all, Lea Seydoux which is surprisingly a new favorite of mine, they all carry heavy emotions for me simply because of this long journey finding myself. This may sound cliche but i’m sure you can relate. They all carry elements that I’ve been searching for to for fill my source of happiness in feeling comfortable in my own skin. Mika for her bravery, artistic creativity, beauty, music, and her humanitarian spirit and style. Laura for her style and attitude, all of them for there delivery in acting which i really respect so much, and Kaya for her spunk, attitude, and style as well. And most of all, we can’t forget Lea. I honestly can’t imagine how shocked and reassuring it was finding this woman. She charming in a very friendly humble way, she and I can both agree that we don’t see are selves as female entirely, but masculine female and that’s not to say shes “gay” for having those feelings which I can agree with for my self which was pretty reassuring and nice to know, with that being said shes so comfortable in her own skin physically and mentally and i believe in a person like that, who has no title of there sexuality for the sake of love and also performance! and I admire that so much. Every film shes acted romantically with a male or female shes always made it so believable, her love is expressed equally to both in ways I’ve never seen before, its like her charm in contagious. Shes shy like me and chooses to be on the outskirts of everything and prefers less girly clothing and she just has a really awesome personality, but then again i don’t know her in real life but that’s just based on what i only know obviously. All in all i just see myself in her and It’s really nice knowing someone like that exists. It almost gives you confidence. There are many woman i admire specially my girlfriend. But finding all these other inspirations are really helping me evolve as a person. I’m so frail and I’m going to be in the world more soon. So i want to take all these elements and build my self esteem. Grow to be the person I feel great in and not feel phased my anyone else’s ways of life. Lea really inspires me to stay being my tomboyish self yet beautiful and youthful as a female. SO! that’s a wrap. 

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HappyBDay Jack!
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